(noun, etymology Dutch from ‘boedel’: estate, possession, inheritance, stock.). 1. Crowd, pack, lot, as in ‘the whole boodle.’ 2. a. Counterfeit money b. Money acquired or spent illegally or improperly, particularly when used in bribery for political purposes. 3. Slang for money in general.

Win a Chance at Influence Peddling: The Contest to “Bill Me Now”

Posted on: Nov. 19, 2013  |  By: Ronnie Kahn  |  Category: General

Your Agenda Here

 

The social media website TweetieBird (a thinly disguised pseudo-corporation) combined with ALEC, The American Legislative Exacerbation Council (a thinly disguised 501 organization), is sponsoring a nationwide drawing.  The lucky winner will be allowed to insert up to 140 characters, and only 140 characters, into any legislative bill of their choice.  The possibilities to advance your agenda are limitless.  You love conservative principles, no problem, you’re a tree hugging liberal, and we can do that too.

Now you can act just like the truly powerful or wealthy and have your wish put into law.  You will feel like an “insider.”  No need to have a lobbying group argue on your behalf, no need to make any campaign contributions in order to help sway your representative, no need to spend tons on your super PAC, no need to hide anything from the public, if you win you can peddle your influence, just like the big boys, anyway you want.

Don’t have a job?  You will be in Fat City when you can have your own job title put into any budget bill and have a career into perpetuity.  Tired of paying taxes, a little bit of twisted wording and you will pay so little it will seem like you will never pay again.  Want to start a business and need a leg up?  This is your chance.  Have some intellectual property you want to protect, piece of cake.  Need a subsidy? Why you have come to the right place.  Loopholes…at your fingertips, tariffs just for the asking, and if you need a patent, you got it, baby.  Don’t care about money or influence?  Why you can direct public opinion about your passion too, just by making your own terse statement into a law.   Don’t like all this complicated agenda junk?  Why you can have someone that will come and mow your lawn every day of the week if that’s your green cup of tea.

If you can’t think of something, you can even give a favor to get a favor.  Just include a government contract for some corporation in need and they will be beholden to you just like the real politicians do.  You will be the darling of K Street as they fight to select their cause for your raffle winning insertion.  Not only that, the Washington Brownnosers will suck up to you to your hearts content.  Tired of your hometown baseball little league not having a nice field to play on?  You can even switch out your Federal legislation for municipal funds and have a stadium built for the wee ballplayers from local taxpayer funds.

For those sly sophisticated types, you can emulate your Washington brethren by saying one thing and creating legislation that is the total opposite.  Think of the hypocrisy you can spin as you say you want to fight for healthy diets while you give tax breaks to cattle farmers or speak out about clean air while greasing the coal industry with corporate welfare.  Or like political sleight of hand, you can use coded language to get across your biased, racist, or group hating agenda.

Not only that, when we announce the winner, you will also have a Washington party just like they really do. It will be filled with media types, politicians and staffers, revolving door former politicians who are now lobbyists, PR folks, and you will even be able to invite your neighbors so you can impress them too.  Are you a foodie?  Of course, you can even pick the appetizers including anything from lobster canapés to truffle oil mushrooms.  Champagne?  Yes, you can pick any label but, sorry, they choose the vintage.

One final treat to sweeten the deal, you will get to be on TV and tell everyone about your experience and make lifelong friends from those “experts” that you will meet in the Green Room.  You might even meet Sarah Palin or Bill Clinton.

Of course, there is one caveat and one other rule besides the 140 character limitation. First, you have to choose which bill to insert the wording into.  That means that the bill may not become a law and then you are just yesterday’s news cycle.  As to the one rule though, no wishing for more wishes or some idealistic crap like trying to cure global warming or something like that.  Just like Washington itself, as far as this contest is concerned, only the selfish need to enter.

 

Enter your 140 character legislative wish below:

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